Relationships

Why LOVE can sometimes be a four letter word

Posted on by angelbrew

Yesterday, I had the good fortune of being a random recipient of a dozen roses from some nice guy in downtown Salt Lake City. I happened to be in the right place at the right time. He was gifting lovely pink, red, and white roses to women at random as sort of a token gift for Valentines Day.

I noticed him standing by his Suburban with these beautiful pink roses in his hand. My first thought was, “Awww, how sweet! He got flowers for his wife!” [I did notice that he had a wedding ring on]. I wondered if he noticed that I didn’t have a wedding ring adorning my hand and if that is the reason he approached me. As he started to walk my way, I honestly thought he was going to ask for directions or some other type of assistance. I find I have a very approachable face. People stop and ask me for things all the time (and I don’t mind helping…if I can).

“Excuse me?” He leaned forward slightly at the hip, bringing the flowers closer to his chest.

“Yes?” I queried, waiting for the “Can you help me find…” or “Do you think you could…” Instead, I was taken aback by his reply.

“I just thought you could enjoy these (extends the flowers towards me). A beautiful woman like you deserves something lovely for Valentines Day.”

I was speechless as I wrapped my hands around the cellophane casing. “Um, wow, thank you…thank you very much!”

And with that, he didn’t say another word but smiled and went back to his Suburban and grabbed another dozen roses out–white this time–and started searching out his next random recipient.

To the Mr. Man who gave me flowers down in SLC because I was “a beautiful woman who deserved something lovely”— thank you! I love my pink roses. Especially since they were gifted from some random guy.

As I drove away a bit stunned by his generosity, I started reminiscing about the whole idea of love and the tokens of expression we use to signify our feelings.

LOVE can sometimes be a four letter word. We mock it when we don’t have it, devalue it to make it seem less important, and think that for the most part, it’s not that big of a deal to make such a big deal about. We want it desperately at times but when it requires work, it seems to become a burden, asking more of us than we think should be required.

LOVE can be a four letter word to a lot of people on Valentines Day. We can scoff at the idea of flowers, candy, or teddy bears as true symbols of what LOVE really is…and what is it? Well, who am I to put a definition on something as broad, all encompassing, and vastly variable to so many different kinds of people?

I will admit that LOVE has been a four letter word to myself from time to time. I thought that LOVE would be the one thing that would carry me through difficult situations, my LOVE for others would help influence or change their hearts. Not true. I’ve learned over the years that giving LOVE is so much different than receiving it…or expecting it. I’ve had to let go many of my own misconceptions around how I thought people should LOVE me in return. But yet again, who am I to dictate to others how they should LOVE?

You can feel betrayed by LOVE, feel lost and abandoned through LOVE, have your heart broken time and time again by LOVE, and it can leave you cursing the very idea of ever trying or wanting to be in LOVE again.

But you do.

Try it again, that is.

Because nothing is more rewarding or fulfilling as being in LOVE. Which is why it makes the best kind of four letter word out there.

Behind the 8 Ball

Posted on by angelbrew

8ballI swear on my life that this week is never going to end. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve moved out of my lovely, comfy home into a space that is temporary and feels somewhat familiar yet simultaneously foreign. I don’t know if it’s because I have so much work to do before I take off next week for some “Me” time. I don’t know if it’s because school is ending on Friday and I’m stressed over what to do with Caden for the summer, something I stress about every single summer. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t been able to go to the gym because I’m living out of a box and am trying to locate the right box of stuff that will help me get out. I don’t know if it’s because sometimes people really overstep the boundary of “nice” to “overbearing and utterly opinionated” in 3.2 seconds when you don’t agree with them or aren’t doing what they would do in a situation.

Take my situation. Who doesn’t know what’s going on with my life? I realize this little blog of mine allows some people access into my day to day that I didn’t fully anticipate. I try to keep some things off of here but I’m being approached by people in the strangest of places asking what’s going on with The Guy. You know, if you don’t read about it on here, I’m not spilling much more to you if you are not a blood relative (and even then I’m still pretty picky).

One of two things is going to happen: Marriage or Moving. There you go. At some point I will either post a pic of a ring or a moving truck so as to share what’s going down. But the chatter/banter/discussions that lead up to the biggest decision of my life (well, at least for the past 8 years or so) will be kept on the down low. 

I will give you this little insight. I have found something that has been proven to be very effective in decision making:

magic8I heard that if you drink the juice inside, visions of your future will come to you. You’ll just have a purple mouth for a few weeks as a side effect.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll address politics…because that’s not an incendiary topic whatsoever. 🙂 But it will create a diversion…

“Next, please!”

Posted on by angelbrew

I’ve got to tell you, dating in your late 20’s-early 30’s is quite the experience compared to your late teens and early 20’s. When you’re younger, there really is not so much thought into issues like, “Gee, I wonder what his credit score is.” You do the meet-and-greet, move on to the hang-out-and-make-out, and eventually your mind has become so mushy all it can think is “He’s-the-most-perfect-guy-ever! I’ll-die-if-I-don’t-marry-him” which can sometimes work – sometimes.

Dating in high school, though, was like perusing the local Chuck-a-Rama buffet; a lot of choices but really nothing much there with flavor or substance. My criteria when choosing someone to date in high school consisted of just five things:

  1. Does he have a car?
  2. Is he cute?
  3. Is he cute?
  4. Is he cute?
  5. Do his friends have cars?

Well, okay, maybe there was a little more to it than that…but not really.

Today, my list of “What you need to have or what I need to know before I’ll date you” criteria is just a tad bit different:

  1. Does he have a stable job?
  2. What is his credit score?
  3. Can he give me the references of his last three girlfriends?
  4. Is he disciplined/hardworking/ambitious?
  5. Does he own a home or still live with his parents?
  6. If he’s over 32 and never married, WHY?
  7. Is he active? (this has two connotations – physically/spiritually)
  8. Does he want kids?
  9. Would he be a good dad to my kid?
  10. Does he have a criminal record? (you laugh, but I’m serious!)
  11. Does he love his family?
  12. Is he so caught up in himself he can’t see beyond the end of his nose?
  13. Are those his real teeth?
  14. Does he care about his appearance? (meaning I hope to high heaven he showers and has good hygiene)
  15. Is he looking for somebody to take care of him (mother-figure) or a companion?

Okay, so I don’t really ask a guy all these things – at least, not on a first date. A lot of people laugh when I mention the credit score issue but I’m kind of serious here. Never in a million years would I have thought of this when I was 19 and dating a bunch of guys who wanted to get married yesterday. But the reality of life you bring into dating the second time around is soooo different – those rose-colored glasses come off fast, man. I’m still somewhat of a romantic idealist but I’ve learned what to look for and how to be wary and cautious when needed. It would be wonderful to be able to just place an order – “Um, yes, I’d like the Tall Guy Combo #1 with no cheese, please. Could you make sure he comes with a funny bone, a side of discipline, extra love sauce, and heaps of generosity?”

Despite my “don’t get burned” tendencies when it comes to relationships these days, I am still amazed at what guys will say and do in a dating situation. You know, you would think that as you age you would develop a little wisdom and gain some understanding about how the sexes interact with each other. Ha! I’ve learned that’s expecting waaaaay too much. For instance, a guy I dated a couple of years ago gave me a classic line that I will never forget and that has stayed with me in relationships since then.  Here’s the situation: I was running my first marathon, we were dating pretty seriously, I asked him to come be there at the finish line, he didn’t show up. Me, being the inquisitive and seriously ticked off gal that I was, talked to him the next day about it. This is how the little convo went down:

Moi: So, what in the heck? Why didn’t you show up for my race? You knew how important this was for me. If you couldn’t come, you should have let me know beforehand so I wasn’t expecting you at the finish line.

Mr. Self-Absorbed: I told you I would try if I could get some work done but the job I was on just was too big. I had too much to do so I couldn’t go. Sorry.

Moi: Well, I feel bad because this was something that was new and big for me. People don’t run marathons every day, you know. It was really important to me and you should’ve cared enough to come for an hour.

Mr. SA (laughing): Angie, why would anything that is important to you be just as important to me?

Yes, just read that last line again. That is word for word what he said to me. I remember looking at him, blinking twice, standing up and saying, “Well, I’m done! See you later!” And he didn’t get it. He didn’t get that what he just said was a Relationship Killer. He tried, unsuccessfully, to get back in my good graces months down the road (heck, even at the begining of this year he was calling me) but it was all to no avail. That line, however, has stuck with me as I’ve dated other boys (I’m not feeling like calling them men today). If you honestly care about another person, the things that are important to them become important to you. They may not be your favorite things to do, but you’ll do them anyway because of how your partner will feel. It’s called being unselfish and it’s the hardest trait to find and develop. Yet the most appreciated. (I’m still working on it myself!)

This is what dating is like in your 30’s kids: more money spent on dates, less hair on men. You get to do more exotic things (like my cruise I posted earlier about) because typically you’re financially more stable, but you also have to deal with more entrenched habits (that may or may not be so good). I’m more picky, more discerning, more emotionally unavailable at times because I’m a bit skeptical it can all work out. I still want it to, but I definitely keep my eyes pried wide open.

p.s. Yes, I am still dating The Guy. And things are good. But there’s a lot to work out with a 39 year old male who has never been married! I think someone suggested shock therapy once…I’ve decided I’m ready to give it a go. 🙂

Sports vs. women

Posted on by angelbrew

 Yes, it’s the age old battle between women and their husbands/boyfriends everywhere: us vs. sports. Us being the softer and more comely sex, the female species. It seems that the male species has a hard time trying to balance their mind-numbing attraction to anything that has a ball and is part of a game with showing affection or interest in their female partner. I know we don’t bounce (ummmm…well, some women do), roll, swoosh through baskets, smell like leather, feel like leather (ummmm…well again, some women do), score points for their favorite team, or sit there like some inanimate object that will do whatever they want us to do. Yet it’s not an uncommon thing for women to find themselves feeling less important than that 678th-baseball-game-that-means-nothing-right-now-because-it’s-not-the-playoffs – and won’t be for some time to come.

I happen to be a woman who enjoys watching sports; I like, nay, I LOVE a little good competition. I was brought up participating in sports, from soccer at an early age through tennis (briefly), softball (briefly), and finally my favorite sport, volleyball. I understand the pull, the innate desire to want to just crush your opponents head. It’s intoxicating, it really is. 🙂 But for some reason, my apparent enthusiasm for sports is sometimes met with disdain or disregard by members of the opposite sex because surely I can’t appreciate the complexity, the true nature of sports because I don’t grow hair from every orifice of my body, or I haven’t “suffered” for my team (whatever my team is), or I just don’t understand “man stuff” and how hard it is to be a guy.

Hmph. Yeah, whatever. Just because I don’t sport a jockstrap when I have to play sports (which, by the way, could be compared to a certain article of clothing girls wear to keep two things in check like men wear jockstraps to keep their two things in check) doesn’t mean that I am not intelligent enough or unable to enjoy and/or understand the thrill of a good game. Now, I do agree that men take it to the Nth degree when it comes to factoids and recollections of games. I am not going to pull out of my head who was the tight end for the 2002 Super Bowl Champions or what point guard scored the most points in a playoff series or any other crazy statistic that would just waste space in my head. No offense, men, but your heads all seem to be full of such “useful” information. In fact, just the other day my mom made a comment to my aunt who was here visiting from Alaska regarding my dad and my uncle.

We’re standing in the front yard, waiting to head off to dinner and chatting about life and my dad and uncle start talking sports. And you know where this goes. It starts with the general chitchat about how their current teams are doing, what it looks like for next season, and then they start down that infamous Memory Lane to re-live or re-hash past games (they especially like to do this with Utah/BYU games). It’s incredible, the stats, the details of the game, the players names, how much they weighed, how fast they throw, the pattern they ran – wow. It all just seems to come back so easily to you men.  My mom sighed and said, “If only you could use the same skills to apply energy to other areas of life, just think where you could be!” You know, like remembering your anniversary, birthdays, holidays, etc. Instead, it’s all sports, all the time.

Sigh…sports are a man’s best friend it seems. At least during the Fall, Winter, Spring, and Summer. I guess I need to come up with new strategies to “compete”. Maybe flashing lights, a time clock, or two basketballs strapped to my chest would work… 😉

The unveiling

Posted on by angelbrew

By now, those of you who had no idea what The Guy looked like now have a pretty good indication because of my trip pictures I posted below. For many in my family, this is the first time they’ve ever seen so much of him! Yes, hard to believe that with all the time I’ve spent with him there has yet to be more – ahem, any – time spent with my family. Great guy but incredibly shy. It boggles my mind, it really does. So if any of you have suggestions or ideas on how to “break the ice” so to speak on getting him convinced to come to a Sunday dinner or two, please – pass along your advice. I’m out of ammo in my arsenal.

The Guy has, however, met my parents and he very much enjoyed the experience (after it was over 🙂 ). In all seriousness, he really liked the parentals, especially my stoic, serious, never-cracks-a-joke Dad. For those that know, my Dad can’t help but be hilarious and he put The Guy at ease right away. Not to mention they could swap football stories (The Guy played in high school and in college).

Here are some other interesting factoids about The Guy you might be interested in:

  • He is 1″ taller than me; sigh…so much for finding that 6’5″ guy to tower over a me, a 5’10” girl.
  • He is 8 years older than me, never been married.
  • He was born in Miami and thus is a die hard Miami Dolphins fan (sucks for him seeing as how they won just one single game last season).
  • He is also a die hard Cubs fan which means that my bro-in-law Dave considers him his mortal enemy seeing as how Dave is a Cardinals fan (ah well, conflict is good, right?).
  • He is one speedy runner – he puts me to shame; He ran track in high school and held for a moment in time the state record for the 400m dash (I think it was that distance…). One other note on this: he bugs the heck out of me when we go running together and starts toying with my speed. I try to tell him, “I am long distance, buddy, not Speedy Gonzales.” He’ll just bound along like it’s no big deal. Aarrgghh – I hate you…when you do that. 😉
  • He owns a wholesale art company and frame shop. Yes, for those who know that that was my first job and that I am a big lover and supporter of the arts (my undergrad? Painting & Drawing BFA), this is too uncanny. He also knows my first boss, has for years, and they made the connection regarding me just a couple of months ago. Thankfully, my old boss didn’t say anything mean (how could he, right? haha!).
  • He has 9 siblings total in his family – between full, step, and half, and he’s the second oldest.
  • Favorite color? Blue. Picky eater? You betcha.
  • He has the deepest blue eyes you ever did see (women on the cruise would stare – I laughed, he blushed).
  • He is a die hard BYU fan. Yes, this has been a good debate between the two of us seeing as how I am a die hard Ute fan. He won’t even wear red, he’s so against them. However, he is not a poor sport when it comes to the classic rivalry, meaning he doesn’t think everything his team does is gold and they should never have fouls or penalties called against them. He at least can be somewhat reasonable in that regard.
  • His favorite place in the whole world? Hawaii – he’s a huge Magnum P.I. fan.
  • He is a huge music afficionado – everything is music to him and he finds meaning in so many songs (hello? remember this post?) and often comments that he could produce music better than “the other guys”.
  • He’s a pilot – loves, loves, LOVES to fly and at one time wanted to be an airline jet pilot. He has models of jetliners, is addicted to his Flight Simulator, and can tell you the flight patterns out of many cities, what their runways look like, etc.
  • He’s pretty cute, but that’s just my personal opinion. 🙂

The Interview, Part I

Posted on by angelbrew

 

So many people are interested in The Guy – who he is, what he does, why he lives and breathes, is he tall, is he short, does his double-jointed thumb bother me…hmmm, so many questions. I told The Guy I would never put anything on here that would intentionally embarrass him. But I never said anything about putting information on here that could hypothetically embarrass him – or at the very least, share a little bit of what makes him HIM and why I like him so much. I’m thinking an interview would work best:

Moi: Well, hello there, The Guy.

The Guy: Hi there, Angel-A.

Moi: I’m going to ask you a few questions because inquiring minds want to know: who are you and what makes you tick? You’re kind of reclusive, a little shy for some of my family’s taste.

The Guy (smiling sheepishly): Oh gosh, I can’t believe you’re actually going to do this. I AM shy around people I don’t know!

Moi: Yes, most people are. That’s why we have dinners so we can get to know others better – hint, hint.

The Guy: Yeah, I know…

Moi: Moving on, since you are so eager to talk on this topic…What was it about me that made you think, ‘Hmm, I want to date this girl’. I mean, was it my effervescent personality, my statuesque frame, my cunning mind?

The Guy (laughing): No, it wasn’t!

Moi (a bit crestfallen): Oh, I see…

The Guy (backpeddling now): Wait! Not that I didn’t see those things but I was more attracted to how you put words together. You’re a smart girl and without a doubt that’s your most attractive trait to me {Editor’s note: this part is an actual quote from him, not something entirely made up by me}.

Moi: So, I guess I should be happy that you were attracted to my mind more than my body.

The Guy: Isn’t that what most girls want? You are cute, too, I’ll give you that.

Moi: Gee. Thanks, The Guy.

The Guy: Well, I could ask you the same question: What was it about me that made you so interested to want to get to know me better?

Moi: Let me think, let me think…I know there’s got to be some groundbreaking reason here…Well, you do have very nice eyes. But that’s not why I liked you. You made me laugh, pure and simple. And you challenge me. I’m not talking frustration (although you do frustrate me at times), I’m more along the lines of ‘Wow, he’s not some puppy dog guy who agrees with everything I say. He’s pretty fun to have a good conversation with!’

The Guy: Yes, this is true, I am pretty amazing.

Moi: And so humble.

The Guy: It’s hard to be humble when you are this good (taps hands on chest).

Moi: Humph. Yeah. It’s so hard to be you.

The Guy (laughing again): You know I’m teasing you! It’s what you like best about me!

Moi: Sigh…yes, I can’t help it. But you’re the one who finally decided to commit to a relationship here. I figure you have to be a little smart to not let me go. {said with a wicked grin}

The Guy: All I can say is that since I met you almost two years ago, you have always been on my mind. You just have. For whatever reason, I wasn’t really ready to date steadily and then when I heard that song in December, it just hit me that if I didn’t act now, I may never have the chance to. I already told you how I listened to that song a hundred times before I started calling you regularly.

Moi: Yes, you did. And it only took me three weeks to drag it out of you on what the song was that made you come around!

The Guy: Hey, I don’t give up too much information. I’m a pretty slow mover and I’ll give you what I can as we move along here.

Moi (said with a smile): You know I’m going to push you to do more.

The Guy (blushing, smiling): You already have.

Next time, in The Interview, Part II, I think we’ll go into a bit more detail on family, travel, and what the future holds. Wait – no. I think I’ll just stick with the first two for awhile. No need to rush anything. 😉

That about sums it up

Posted on by angelbrew

Dang it all – it’s a Monday again. Meaning that my dating weekend has come to another close and I have to wait another 5 days to enjoy a night out (well, not actually, but just go with me on this).

The Guy and I have had lots of discussions about people getting in relationships and wanting the other person to “change” into an ideal companion. We both agree that’s a bunch of horseradish. But I did point out to him that while “change” is sometimes a ridiculous expectation, “evolution” is a natural process. Yes, you didn’t realize that I believed in the theory of evolution now, did you? I’m talking about the ability for people to “evolve” as they go through a relationship cycle: timidity, curiousity, deep interest, varying degrees of comfortability, shedding layers of selfishness, happiness, and contentment. Not all in order, by any means, but you know how it goes.

Sometimes, however, many people (of which I think the majority may be women) believe the following philosophy below:

And yet some people (let’s just call them guys for simplicity’s sake), following another train of thought:
Hmmm…

I’m not saying they can’t be taught…

Posted on by angelbrew

I could start a whole new blog that is all about dating, the joys, the woes, the terribly awful dates that still baffle and confuse me. After I posted about typical First Date conversation {Career, Past Relationships, Weather – still the Big Three}, I heard back from quite a few people who found some amusement in those wonderful conversations we all have at the beginning of a relationship {well, that’s assuming it eventually turns into a relationship}. All I’ve gots to say is that boy, do I have food for that fodder. And why? Because here is a basic concept about the male species: they are retarded.

No offense to those men who I know that are out there reading this blog at this very moment. Take heart that you are at least not high on the scale of retardation because you read my random musings. You can at least claim the attempt to “grow” by perusing the ramblings of one belonging to the crazy, overly verbal sex {that being women, of course}. I applaud you. Now shut up and learn something.

Example #1

This is part of a conversation I had with a guy I met at work a couple of years ago. Truth be told, I was never interested in him but it was quite widely known that he held something akin to a geeky crush on me {crap}.

Clueless Guy: Hey, I’ve seen around the building – are you new?

Moi: Yep, just been working here about six weeks now.

CG: So, what’s the deal with you?

Moi (in a state of mild confusion): Sorry? What’s the deal with me?

CG: I mean, you seem kind of cool and I just wondered if you’re like, dating or seeing anybody or if you’re married. You don’t have a ring on but some women don’t wear them to get some action, you know what I mean? Ha ha! {awkward/off-putting comment #1}

Moi: Yes…sure, whatever. No, I’m not married or pretending not to be. And I’m dating a lot of people right now.

CG: How come you’re not married? {rude question #1}

Moi: I don’t like men. Their best use is as playthings and I haven’t found one I’ve wanted to play with for longer than one date. {yes, I really said that; he’s an idiot – how could he take offense or get my sarcasm?}

CG: Wow – you’re sure never getting married. {off-putting comment #2}

Moi: Been married.

CG: Really? How long have you been divorced?

Moi: Six years.

CG: Holy cow! Six years?!? You are so old!! {off-putting comment #3 coupled with a death wish}

After I melted him with my steel-fire stare and contributed my part in ensuring he would never be allowed to spread his seed around this helpless planet of ours, I asked how old he was. Hmm – guess what? He was one year younger! I proceeded to tell him that he wouldn’t be getting married anytime soon either, seeing as how he liked to offend women and the multiple injuries he would sustain that would prevent him from ever procreating would most assuredly make him unappealing to any woman ever.

Example #2

Guy married to a good friend of mine who ran into me at the grocery store when I was six months pregnant. I don’t get why men don’t understand this – be NICE to pregnant women!

Clueless Husband Friend: Hi, Angie! Nice to see you out and about.

Moi: Hey there! It’s good to see you too. How’s {friend’s name withheld to protect her} doing?

CHF: She’s good, pregnant too. (looks me up and down) Although she’s nowhere big as you! Wow, are you due like, anyday now? {completely male remark that reeks with insensitivity}

My friend should probably thank me for not rendering her husband unable to provide her with more kids after that remark. All I remember is I was holding eggs and bread (French Toast, baby) and after he left, I had to go back and get a new carton and loaf of bread. Mine were squashed from clenched hands squeezing the life out of them for fear of knocking out my friend’s husband in the grocery store.

I just had to share a bit o’ memories because this blogging thing really lets me work out my frustrations on the opposite sex sometimes {but in a really good way – the non-physical type :)}.

“I coulda been a contenda”

Posted on by angelbrew

Dear Sadly Confused and Tragically Late Sir,

We are sorry that your request* has been denied but it appears that you neglected to negotiate your time well with the intended object of your affections. Case in point: on several occasions, said OYA (object of your affection) asked for a phone call or follow up email after an initial meeting with you. You delayed your response time immeasurably. OYA’s are notoriously picky and in great need of attention to be assured that your interest is not one of waning fancy.

We do understand that there are several models of OYA’s on the market today that have no problem driving the intended relationship that you are seeking. However, they tend to need a lot of oil and maintenance due to excessive whining. Unfortunately for you, this particular OYA in which you were previously interested is off the market. We doubt that another make and model of this caliber will be available in the near future but we do wish you happiness in the pursuit of, well, happiness.

*Request submitted: lunches, text messages, erratic phone calls, and blatant adoration – DENIED

                                                                                                 Kind regards,

                                                                                                 The Management of Human Affairs

(oh, how I wish I could send a letter like that off!)