I’m not saying they can’t be taught…

I could start a whole new blog that is all about dating, the joys, the woes, the terribly awful dates that still baffle and confuse me. After I posted about typical First Date conversation {Career, Past Relationships, Weather – still the Big Three}, I heard back from quite a few people who found some amusement in those wonderful conversations we all have at the beginning of a relationship {well, that’s assuming it eventually turns into a relationship}. All I’ve gots to say is that boy, do I have food for that fodder. And why? Because here is a basic concept about the male species: they are retarded.

No offense to those men who I know that are out there reading this blog at this very moment. Take heart that you are at least not high on the scale of retardation because you read my random musings. You can at least claim the attempt to “grow” by perusing the ramblings of one belonging to the crazy, overly verbal sex {that being women, of course}. I applaud you. Now shut up and learn something.

Example #1

This is part of a conversation I had with a guy I met at work a couple of years ago. Truth be told, I was never interested in him but it was quite widely known that he held something akin to a geeky crush on me {crap}.

Clueless Guy: Hey, I’ve seen around the building – are you new?

Moi: Yep, just been working here about six weeks now.

CG: So, what’s the deal with you?

Moi (in a state of mild confusion): Sorry? What’s the deal with me?

CG: I mean, you seem kind of cool and I just wondered if you’re like, dating or seeing anybody or if you’re married. You don’t have a ring on but some women don’t wear them to get some action, you know what I mean? Ha ha! {awkward/off-putting comment #1}

Moi: Yes…sure, whatever. No, I’m not married or pretending not to be. And I’m dating a lot of people right now.

CG: How come you’re not married? {rude question #1}

Moi: I don’t like men. Their best use is as playthings and I haven’t found one I’ve wanted to play with for longer than one date. {yes, I really said that; he’s an idiot – how could he take offense or get my sarcasm?}

CG: Wow – you’re sure never getting married. {off-putting comment #2}

Moi: Been married.

CG: Really? How long have you been divorced?

Moi: Six years.

CG: Holy cow! Six years?!? You are so old!! {off-putting comment #3 coupled with a death wish}

After I melted him with my steel-fire stare and contributed my part in ensuring he would never be allowed to spread his seed around this helpless planet of ours, I asked how old he was. Hmm – guess what? He was one year younger! I proceeded to tell him that he wouldn’t be getting married anytime soon either, seeing as how he liked to offend women and the multiple injuries he would sustain that would prevent him from ever procreating would most assuredly make him unappealing to any woman ever.

Example #2

Guy married to a good friend of mine who ran into me at the grocery store when I was six months pregnant. I don’t get why men don’t understand this – be NICE to pregnant women!

Clueless Husband Friend: Hi, Angie! Nice to see you out and about.

Moi: Hey there! It’s good to see you too. How’s {friend’s name withheld to protect her} doing?

CHF: She’s good, pregnant too. (looks me up and down) Although she’s nowhere big as you! Wow, are you due like, anyday now? {completely male remark that reeks with insensitivity}

My friend should probably thank me for not rendering her husband unable to provide her with more kids after that remark. All I remember is I was holding eggs and bread (French Toast, baby) and after he left, I had to go back and get a new carton and loaf of bread. Mine were squashed from clenched hands squeezing the life out of them for fear of knocking out my friend’s husband in the grocery store.

I just had to share a bit o’ memories because this blogging thing really lets me work out my frustrations on the opposite sex sometimes {but in a really good way – the non-physical type :)}.

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