“I coulda been a contenda”

Dear Sadly Confused and Tragically Late Sir,

We are sorry that your request* has been denied but it appears that you neglected to negotiate your time well with the intended object of your affections. Case in point: on several occasions, said OYA (object of your affection) asked for a phone call or follow up email after an initial meeting with you. You delayed your response time immeasurably. OYA’s are notoriously picky and in great need of attention to be assured that your interest is not one of waning fancy.

We do understand that there are several models of OYA’s on the market today that have no problem driving the intended relationship that you are seeking. However, they tend to need a lot of oil and maintenance due to excessive whining. Unfortunately for you, this particular OYA in which you were previously interested is off the market. We doubt that another make and model of this caliber will be available in the near future but we do wish you happiness in the pursuit of, well, happiness.

*Request submitted: lunches, text messages, erratic phone calls, and blatant adoration – DENIED

                                                                                                 Kind regards,

                                                                                                 The Management of Human Affairs

(oh, how I wish I could send a letter like that off!)

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