Let’s say grace; now go to your cubicle

The building I work in was sold last week. Not entirely great news for my group but we’ve known for the past 2 years that it was coming. We all kind of hoped that the transition process would spread out over at least another 6-8 months, what with closing issues, re-structuring, probably some construction (bring back the cafeteria!). But the buyer has the ability to move in asap. As in 30 days. Max. So everyone is playing cubicle leapfrog to get where they need to be in order to prepare for the new company’s arrival.

As a joke, our site manager sent out an email last week dispelling (or possibly refueling) some rumors about the buyer. Here are a few and see if you can guess who our buyer may be:

  • No more caffeinated drinks will be allowed in the building
  • Men will be required to wear white shirts, women only dresses
  • Employees will be required to hand over 10% of their pay to the building supervisor each month
  • The work day will begin with prayer
  • Having a special “badge” will allow you into secret areas; those who want to obtain a special “badge” need to talk to the two men in dark suits with name tags
  • No more smoking allowed outside the front part of the building (actually not a rumor, very true)
  • A swear jar will be set up, $1 for every word you say; after $20, you have to go talk to your “site supervisor”

Soooo…any guesses? And no, in case you guessed Jehovah’s Witnesses, they couldn’t qualify for the loan. It’s the buyer’s IT group that is moving into our – whoops, no longer ours – their  building and it must be gigantic in numbers; they are taking out the gym (dang it, why??), all of our conference rooms (aw, gee darn, no more HUGE meetings), reducing the size of the cafeteria (but apparently there will be food), and pushing us all onto one side on the top floor. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’m used to the quiet “calm” that exists on my side. And now instead of 27 people who are spread out across 150 cubicles, there will now be 139.

One good thing for me, I don’t have to move! There are only 8 of us who got to keep our own little space and not have a cube mate. As fate would have it, I am one of the lucky folk. I didn’t want to have to deal with sharing private conversations (“Hello, The Guy?” “Angie, I can hardly hear you – why are you whispering?” “Because I’m sitting three feet away from another person…and they have Cheeto breath. And they eat kippers.”), or just not having the freedom to stretch out if I need to. Instead of everyone else’s 6 square feet of space, I have 12. Ooooooo! The envy, it just flows.

A potential problem I do foresee is that the way they are finishing construction, our group will only have access to 1 bathroom. Ahem, WHAT?!? No, no, no! I feel like I almost have my own private bathroom because I sit on a side with so few people. Now all those people will be encroaching upon my private water closet space? This chaps my hide almost as much as losing the gym…

It will be interesting to see how this move/construction/reformation shapes up over the next 3-4 weeks. Our gigantic building that currently has 156 occupants (but can house 1500) will soon be overflowing. Crap…there goes all the free parking space.


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