Remember this guy, Joey, from While You Were Sleeping? I think his twin found me in Vegas. There I was, perusing the buffet line at South Point, and I guess looking a little lost because this guy comes up to me and asks, “You-a lookin’ a little confused, there, sweetaaaarht.” “Oh no, I’m just trying to decide what I want to eat.” “You wanna eat some-a this, I mean, come on now…” “Um, yes, I will…”
I start to move down the line towards the fruit and he follows me asking, “So, uh, where you from?”
Not glancing back at him, I reply, “I am from Utah.” (that oughta shut him up)
He grimaces, puts the free hand not holding his plate to his cheek and says, “Awww, no! Awwwww, NO! Any other-a state in the U.S. and that would-a worked! I mean, uh, don’t women up there have 10 kids or so?”
Trying to look very busy loading pineapple and watermelon on my plate, I countered, “No, that’s a small family. We usually shoot for a dozen at least.”
He looks me up and down, leans in closer to me and asks, “How many do you have?”
His eyes light up, a smile creeps across his face, and he jokes, “What? Your husband have issues with himself or somethin’?”
At that point, I gave him my best “Back down, Bucko” glare I could. So he decided to try a new tactic.
“I see you’re not married, though. That’s good and you-a should-a only have one kid anyways. So much work for a young-a girl like you. You should-a come back to Vegas more often, ya know?”
I set my plate down, smiled politely. “Why?!?”
He stopped. He held his hands out to his side, one hand with a plate filled with sausages, scrambled eggs, toast, and ham, shrugs his shoulder and stutters a bit. “Well…um…uh, I was going to say to see me! (laughs) I could meet you, sweethaaarht, anywheres!”
I finished putting fruit and rolls on my plate, started walking past him, and said, “Sure, sure. I’ll just go tell my boyfriend that.”
He winked, slicked back his hair with his free hand, and said, “I gotcha, I know I gotcha. Women? They can’t stay away!”
Well, I got news for you Mr. Joey Fusco incarnate: The teal tanktop? The gold chain? The waft of inebriated air that emanated from your very being? Reeeeaaaaal turn on. I just couldn’t keep my hands off of you. Hold me back, I say. Hold. Me. Back.